It's no use going back to yesterday, because i was a different person then.

This page is going to be ordered from most recent to oldest. I'll try to put a date on every post. Some may be longer vent ramblings, others just random thoughts, feelings, ideas or whatever else i come across.

26/08/2024 Monday
Alber Camus really had it right when he wrote "Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee? In the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself."

23/08/2024 Friday
I've been so tired recently. Exhausted. But not a physical exhaustion, just a mental one. I've realized i might be struggling to draw partly because of that mental fatigue.
The worst part is that i don't know what to do about it. I'm the type of person who will move heaven and earth if it means i can get closer to closure or peace in life, but...sometimes i get lost. I'm growing older, time is closing in, life is getting stressful, but i've no clue how to deal with any of it.
I don't understand why people call your early adulthood your "golden years". It never made sense to me, because for most of it you're just going to be lost, confused and struggling to get your shit together. 18-25 is such a horrible age range, because you're suddenly thrust into the world of adult responsiblity and freedom without the slightest clue how to regulate yourself or come to terms with the stresses of those responsibilites. Everyone expects so much of you, everyone expects you to already have it all figured out. To know what you want to go to college for, to know what job you wanna do, to know where you want to live, to look for a partner to marry, to think of having children...how on earth does anyone expect me to take on the responsiblity of a living child, when i'm still a child myself?! I can barely tell my hairdresser i dislike what they did to my hair, i can't make a phonecall to the doctor to get help for debilitating chronic pain, i can't tell people when my head's underwater and i'm going to drown.
It's scary. It's all so scary i just want to run away and not deal with any of it anymore, but...that's not really realisitc, is it? It's easy to run away from things, it's easy to put them off until they bite you in the ass, to ignore things until they boil over and summerge you completely. But you can't really run from adulthood, from time. Time won't wait for you, the world won't either. You either keep up, or get left behind. And once you're behind, catching up becomes...tough.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. My plant died. Our family cat seems like he's about to die. Splatoon 3 is going to have it's final splatfest next month. Things die all the time. Plants die, animals die, games die, people die and...dreams die. With death on the horizon it becomes easy, even preferable, to try and extend life. To try and keep it alive, even through suffering and decreasing will, but sometimes, sometimes you just need to let it die. To let it go. Death isn't a final goodbye. You die twice afterall, once when you stop breathing, and twice when your name is uttered for the last time.

I just...need to let myself breathe. I had all these great and grand expecations for myself when i was younger. I thought i would do great things, change the world. I thought by 20 i would be my complete self, i would have my life figured out. But even if that isn't the case it doesn't mean i need to give up. I'm still a dreamer, i always have been. I know i'm capable of doing things that matter. Of changing lives. So...deep breath in, deep breath out. I'll be okay, i won't give up and i'll keep swimming, even with my head underwater.

10/08/2024 Saturday
I'm having a lot of fun making this site. It feels so freeing to finally have a space online where i can truly express myself and not have to worry about other people invading my space. It's also nice to have a place where i don't have to look at stupid fucking numbers on the daily. I don't care what my follower count is, i don't care how many likes/shares/comments/whatever i get. But having to LOOK at those numbers every day still fucks with me. Seeing my follower count go down hurts, even though if someone doesn't like my work i would WANT them to leave. Seeing a post get less likes than the pervious one also hurts, even thought that type of validation is meaningless to me.
I just want a space to exist online. Somewhere i can feel at peace.